Give me the simple life. PLEASE!

 
The older I get the more I crave simplicity. When I was growing up my dad loved pointing out old homes and saying they had potential. Usually this made me cringe because these homes lacked the newest furnishings and fads. To my young world view that made them not worth much. Now I see how wrong I was. How I would love the have a simple, off grid home that allowed my husband and I to savor these last few years with our kids still under one roof. We spend so much of our life chasing things and activities. Wanting the most current, trendiest products. This leads to having to work longer hours and spending less and less time with those we love and less engaged in activities that feed our soul.

One thing we Americans know how to do is create more debt. In my lifetime I have seen us add internet bills, cell phone and data charges, costly electronics (that are usually outdated in less than a year) and the increased electrical bills associated with all of the must have gadgets. Then there is the plethora of extra curricular activities for our little ones. Now I am not condemning these things, I am merely pointing out an alternative way of looking at life.

Gone are the days of baseball with our school mates in a vacant field, bike riding around the block for fun and meeting at Sally's house for games, cookies and Kool-Aid. We now shuttle our kids from activity to activity a lot of times because we feel guilty if we don't allow our children to do what everyone else is doing.

Our homes are buzzing hubs of electronic toys. What would happen if we just said no to this way of living or at least downsized our fascinations? If we went back to sitting around the living room while dad read to the family or we gathered around our piano with our beloved hymnal? I think we would find a peace we have always longed for. What blessings could we pour out into our communities with our increased time and finances? How would our children benefit in seeing us love on one another instead of accumulating things that will eventually loose their newness?

Now my dad has gone on to be with the Lord and I am the one pointing out homes with "potential" and I get the eye rolls and sighs. I hope their hearts are listening and that my kids will one day seek out the simple life to savor the time God has blessed them and their families with.

Why we chose foster/adoption....a look back

 

Donald and I get asked a lot why we chose to build our family through foster care and to be honest I cringe each time I give our answer. Why? Because it isn't a glamorous reason but it is a real honest answer. We wanted to be parents again, and now that we are 10 years into being a completed family I think that is the absolute best reason, and here is why.

Parenting children that know significant loss, abuse, neglect and often times special needs because of these situations are different than children that are born "happy and healthy". They know that those that should love them the most can also hurt you the most. They know that parents can choose to walk out and not look back. They have known severe need of the most basic human necessities. They come to us broken, hurting, needing. This often times in my opinion and in my experience is overlooked completely or is discounted. If we do not understand what it means to truly parent these blessings we can inflict more pain, damage and harm on them.

We need to accept them into our homes as equals in our family. They are not enemies or encroachers and if you view them as such you just might not be ready to parent these wonderfully strong children. They deserve to be accepted into your family 100% at the start. We did this as parents to a 10yr old girl and 6 yr old boy and it has benefited our family in ways we could never have dreamed of at the time. Donald and I knew no other way to parent, we just knew to love... Our older children were selfless, they accepted each placement as their brother or sister from day one whether it was a short or long term placement. They never resented the extra time or love that their new siblings required because they knew that we were willing to invest in ALL of our children the same way. We never allowed them to escape when things got tough.We talked about it, we sought counseling at times and we worked through it. Why? Because we wanted to cultivate 100% commitment in all of our family members, we were and still are in this together. In my opinion one of the biggest things to damage adoptive families is an "us" versus "them" mentality. If you give into this you will never have the family unity you so desire. It can be tempting to ask grandma to get your existing children so they can have a break from your new children but in my opinion this reinforces the thought that the new children are the enemy to the family's happiness, especially in the early days or before adoption.

Parenting is hard at best. When you factor in abuse, neglect and loss and the damage it can cause it can some times seem downright impossible. Out of our 5 blessings 4 are considered special needs. We are faced with autism, ODD, Severe Anxiety (separation, learning and social), dyslexia, dysgraphia, emotional disabilities and a brain injury, food intolerances, food allergies and chronic gastrointestinal issues...on a daily basis. If we didn't have an ALL IN mentality we would have failed long ago. We have spent and probably will spend countless hours researching the effects of abuse, best educational approaches and diets for our children. A lot of what they have been diagnosed with was brought to the attention of their medical teams because Donald and I followed our gut and wouldn't let things go until we knew our children were being advocated for properly. And I don't say this to toot my own horn. This is all God, He meets us in these needs and provides just what we need when we feel weak, inadequate and just plain tired.

Our children need extreme nurturing and compassion. Now that doesn't mean they get a free pass to be rude, mean or do physical harm to others. However it does mean that if these situations arise we calmly work through it in a loving but firm manner. We are careful not to tear down what we are working so diligently to build, remember that our words and actions can hurt or heal, there is always a choice to be made. We don't make our children feel bad about the person they are, but we set the bar higher so they look forward to becoming better versions of themselves because they know we believe in them, love them and that they aren't alone even when they are pushing everyone away. And if this fails to redirect behavior then we remove ourselves from the situation and LOVINGLY discipline our children in private and rejoin the others if we can and if not we politely leave so we can give our child time to regroup. If we have to leave we reassure our child that they will do better next time and that they are learning and when we learn, mistakes are made. We as parents should be their safe place, their soft place to land when the demons of the past catch up with them.

When we started our foster/adopt journey it wasn't the thing to do. Many of our friends and family thought we were crazy to be starting over just as our youngest was starting school. We had almost no outside support so we had to learn to draw what we needed from each other and in doing this it became enough to just want to keep everyone together and happy. If we had done this because of popularity trends or to get attention or even for the "money" we would have given up long before our family was completed. We wanted these beautiful children, we wanted to be mom and dad to them. To advocate for them and their best interest and for them to know no matter what we were in their corner helping to make their lives everything they deserved for it to be. We have had a situation where we couldn't be forever parents to one of our foster children and it hurt us immensely to have to say we couldn't adopt after spending 4 1/2 months bonding and hoping for the best but saying no was in his best interest and God honored that and he was placed with a family that could give him everything he needed. We were a part of his story and hopefully a happy part of his past.

I say all of this to let you know that ALL children deserve to be loved, protected, advocated for by parents that have counted the cost (monetarily, emotionally, physically, socially) before they commit to a lifetime. If we cannot give our ALL then we should leave it to someone who can. When we are handed our new child all we know is that they are ours just like the parents that are handed a newborn. There is a world of exploration that needs to be done to get to know this new little person. Throw out all of your stereotypes, ideals and expectations and just get to know this little person God has blessed you with, whether it is forever or for a time. Enjoy the journey no matter where it takes you!

Blessing New Foster Parents/Children.

One of the many aspects of foster care that people are curious about is the needs that a new placement brings and ways they can minister to families during those first few days/weeks. This is a time of intense transition. On the outside we see adorable children looking for love and their new family eager to meet that need. Deeper down there is a scared person who may have been abused, neglected and moved from home to home. New people and places are scary even in the best of circumstances. However imagine that you have been taken from everyone and everything you have ever known and have been plopped into the middle of a new home with a new family. Scary huh? Definitely. This is what these precious children are going through...and their new families are having to learn them slowly and this takes alot of time and dedication. The new foster parents are also scared because placements come with a lot of uncertainty. And even in the midst of this uncertainty you are asked to give your absolute all to help these children heal and learn to trust again.

So fix a kid friendly meal for them. This will free both parents from kitchen duty and allows meals to be stress free. Feeding your new child is a bonding experience and builds trust, freeing the family up to unwind and enjoy meal time together is a blessing. Think about stopping by the dollar store and adding in some fun paper napkins and plates to brighten up the table.

Give the family the freedom to cancel plans even at a moments notice. Sometimes what sounds like a good idea on Monday is a disaster by Friday. Eventually things will normalize and they will be up for visits out.

Send an introductory text to the new child with a picture or send a card with a picture of you and/or your family. So when you come for your first visit they will know who you are in advance and won't think they are being moved again. Oh and please don't make the mistake I did when I was introduced to a friend's new foster daughter. Being from the south I of course told this 3 year old I could just put her in my pocket and take her home with me. That seemed harmless enough but to a little girl that had seen several homes this was terrifying. Keep that first visit light and brief.

Keep questions generic and polite. Like what are your favorite characters, colors, food, tv show etc. Please don't ask personal questions about why the child is in care. This information is confidential and it is ultimately the child's story to tell when they feel the time is right. And personal questions put the foster family in a difficult situation.

If you want to bring a gift it is much appreciated. A lot of times foster parents have not received a stipend for their new child and funds may be low and the child's needs great.

And my last piece of advice is please, please, please don't bring up the fact that this is supposed to be temporary and ask what will you do if they are taken. This is at the back of every foster parent's mind. We know that we are getting attached to children that may or may not stay and we have dedicated ourselves to the task at hand even knowing this. You don't know how you will handle it until you have to and you can't properly foster and help the families that need you if you are worried constantly.

During these days the new family is going to need a shoulder to cry on an ear to listen without a solution and lots of prayer. Thank you for taking the time to love on them and be a blessing!

Are they listening?

It is easy to lose sight of the goal. Parenting is a an ongoing, ever changing,  journey, it is not a destination....this is something I have to remind myself of often. When we are in the middle of parenting, in the trenches so to speak, the days seem long and unending, the kids are strong willed and unyielding and we more than most likely are running in circles feeling like we accomplish very little. The downtime and relaxation is sparse at best and we get side tracked, many, many times. This leaves us wondering are we really making an impact in the lives of our children.  This is why I am so thankful for one on one time with our kiddos. These are the times they share their hearts with Donald and I. And we can tell if they are truly getting the life lessons we are working to instill in them.

Today was my day with our littlest A. Boy did I get an ear full. She filled me in on every thing from her career choices, to how and when she thought God was going to send her a husband. It makes my heart proud to hear that she wants God to send her a guy that is "spiritual and loves God more than anything". She even added that she didn't want a bossy husband and she wasn't going to be a bossy wife because God wants the husband and wife to work together. She is 8 and oh so wise. She also wants to finish college before dating....dare I hope that she sticks to her guns on this one? LOL. So when the days stretch out before you and you are oh so tired and wonder if anyone is listening, remember they are learning more than we could ever imagine, even on the busiest, most chaotic days.

And so it begins...

...graduation week. It has seemed surreal that our oldest is graduating high school Friday. When I met Amber she was this shy, timid 6 year old. Her first words about me were "I thought she would have had long hair". I just knew she was going to dislike me. But she didn't. Amber is a Mama's girl...I am mama. Boy did I win the lottery. She has always been my biggest cheerleader as I moved from "Dad's girlfriend to stepmom to Mom. Amber is the strongest young woman I know. She is a hard worker with a great capacity to love. She doesn't let her obstacles stand in her way for long and she never complains, she is always encouraging and building others up. It has been a joy and privilege to raise her these past 13 years. I look forward to our new adventures as mom and daughter but I am sad that this chapter is coming to a close. I have loved raising you and seeing your take on life. Thank you for the gift of you baby girl!

A different kind of summer.

Summer for our family is a very frugal time of year. This is when we are saving for many expenses. We have school clothes, most of the family's birthdays are in summer and there of course is home school curriculum for our one little A that is at home with mom. And this year we have our oldest A graduating from high school so we will be throwing a graduation party. YAY! To this we are going to try and add in a family vacation to the beach. Even with being frugal this can be a daunting task.

I would love to say that I have come up with a wonderful new way to make saving easier and less painful but I haven't . We are going to have to buckle down and have simple, free fun. Thankfully we live about 5 mins from the lake and we have a nice big piece of land to enjoy, so our surroundings help a lot. I will also work to keep our food budget in check and consolidate our trips into town to keep our gas budget down as well.

I will scour ebay and hopefully pickup many of the home school books we have to have at a steep discount. Also buying 2nd hand reduces waste. We will also supplement with free online and library resources. Our library is also a great place for movies for our family night....again free. And we get to visit with some of the best ladies we know so a win win.

We also keep birthday celebrations simple. A homemade cake or dessert, their fave dinner and much wanted gift usually makes the birthday boy or girl feel loved and special without breaking the bank. With us living an hour away from family we will have to rethink the wheel in some ways but it is always fun to try something new. We of course want to spend time with them so I am thinking this will be a nice splurge. So look for my savings updates through out this summer to see how we are doing!

Unexpected joys.

Our puppy Lily cuddling on a lazy day.

Today I really wanted to sit down and write an eloquent blog post that would wow my audience. However today was anti-climactic. It was a stay in your pjs, watch reruns of Girl Meets World and Sabrina the Teenage Witch with your sick kiddos kind of day. I was kinda bummed by that for about three seconds and then I realized this is what I love about my life. That I am able to be at home with my kids when they are sick and make them chicken and rice soup out of a can with dolphin shaped pb&j sandwiches (thanks Grandma for the cutters) and just cuddle and enjoy each other. Now if you are a working mom please don't think that I think my way of doing things is better. It works for us. I know lots of working moms that juggle family, work and home brilliantly and I admire you. I on the other hand am not wired that way and it is okay. We as moms, no matter what,  hate when our kids are sick of course but we are thankful when we can be there with loving arms and healing kisses to make it all better.